Self-Sabotage
Hi All: I’m Lenny Ravich, 86 years on the planet and author of the best-selling book “Everlasting Optimism” and humorous keynote speaker in London and Hong Kong.
I returned a few weeks ago from Chennai, India, where I presented a keynote to The Professional Speakers Association India, titled, “You Don’t Have to Be Entertaining Unless You Want to Get Paid”. It was a hoot. We danced, sang and laughed the entire weekend. I found the Indian people to be warm, loving and accepting. Every minute was a pleasure.
Damaging My Success
There was a time in my life where I could not go after my dream without screwing up. It’s like I could never get to a “ten” without sabotaging myself. I had talent, but never truly accepted that fact. I felt as if I didn’t deserve the accolades, compliments, adoration and the money. I would always do something negative in order to avoid having to deal with complete success or total joy.
When I realized that I was making destructive choices, I decided to observe my behavior. Not to stop what I was doing, but merely to supervise myself without criticism and to witness how I incapacitated my accomplishments.
I was offered the privilege of directing a large-scale musical comedy for the local community. It was back in the eighties when the populations would invest hugely, especially when it came to a theatrical production.
Things were going so smoothly; I couldn’t stand it. I kept asking myself, “When will I start taking steps to mess this up?”
I witnessed myself, as if from standing on the outside as a spectator, and began to notice where those places were that I would normally have harmed my total victory and pleasure. I simply chose not to go where I would have normally gone to interfere with my triumph. I just wanted to see what would happen if I had dared to remain entirely happy and positive. It was scary as hell. I never believed that I could actually experience self-worth, success, and accomplishments without paying a terrible price.
The evening of the show had arrived, and I still hadn’t managed to muddle up, even though I kept noticing all the times I could have and would have done it if I hadn’t been monitoring myself. I scrutinized all the tiny opportunities I would have taken in the past in order to destroy what I had built and, at the very moment of this awareness, merely chose not to. “It can’t be!” I thought to myself. “I have never let myself enjoy a full win. What’s going to happen?”
I looked to my rear and saw a packed audience waiting in great anticipation for the huge, major musical production about to take place. My wife was sitting with my three young kids, waving and smiling at me. “This is too much! This is too good to be true! I must ruin it”, I kept saying to myself over and over.
This time I allowed myself to thrive big time; received the compliments, the hugs and the kisses, and even the handsome payment without debilitating myself.
Then I waited for the sky to cave in. I waited and waited, but it never materialized; nor were there floods, lightening, tsunamis and earthquakes. And God was not angry at me for having it all, as was expected. No punishment or something terrible had transpired, which is what I believed would happen!
I realized then that I had, all these years, been scaring myself into believing I didn’t deserve what I had earned. My baseless fear was that if I would have dared to allow myself to have it so good, I would surely be penalized for it.
Most of all, I understood that I could win, flourish, feel good and nothing, absolutely nothing bad would happen. Actually, the opposite was true. The more I allowed myself the best that life has to offer, the better my life has gotten. What a revelation!
Does what I had experienced most of my life speak to you in any way? Can you just stand to the side and witness yourself without criticism or judgment? I often tell my audiences in London and Hong Kong that your simple awareness could offer you more positive choices. Oh, and yeah. Be kind to yourself. The sky won’t fall. You and I are a work in progress.
Let me know how things are going for you.